i saw elias today
he looked really happy
he was dancing, and prancing
dancing queen
only 17

can i hold your hand

or is that too much to ask

maybe we can hang out

on the couch at your place

not in that way, it's for the movie

can i make you laugh

my humour isn't bad, right

we're on different calibres

but you can work with that

not that i want to change you, it's for the better

can i be your one and only

i'm not a dumb, clingy lover

i like books, just like you

we are pretty well matched, you see

not that i'm trying to force you into anything, it's 

can i be the one to text you good morning

unless you want that honour, i'll send good night texts too

you call the shots, after we talk about it

not that i am possessive, i just love you a lot

can you come back

i didn't mean anything

erase the past, i regret it all

not that i was flawless

sometimes

sometimes i feel really empty and it's odd because i have no reason to be sad
my friends seem to believe so

sometimes i feel invisible and it's confusing because i see my reflection in the mirror
my friends don't see me though

sometimes i feel like i'm in the wrong and it's clear because i am responsible for my actions
my friends probably blame me anyway

sometimes i feel like i'm not alive and it's

september

23 September 2014: 10:04 PM

Hey there, future me.
You'd probably think "Oh my gosh, Atikah, stop being such a petty bitch!"
And I would nod in full agreement. I am a petty bitch. I'm stupid. I broke down today but that's normal. Nothing wrong. None.
Jia Hui has been my friend for a long time. And I feel that she's superior. She's funny, cute and nice. Her temper is one thing though. And lately, she's been getting more distant. I've first noticed this in term 2. She wouldn't meet up with me, she won't go home with me. I sound clingy. I really do. Maybe that's why I'm always upset.
I just feel cheated. I put in all my effort to only get this... Then I blame myself because this has happened more than once. And I feel dumb, shouldn't I be able to know what to do??
I feel really self obsessed...

Regardless, today I had a nice talk with Zhohirah. We share so many things. I feel less pain. Less pain in my chest. And Zhohirah is so understanding I salute her. Whereas I have become something I hate most.

----
10:37
Idk. And I made a list of people + the plants/flowers I would give them, and I just feel like it's nice.
Elias -> Sunflowers ( it has a lot of meanings, I choose "Eyes only for you" ), pink carnations, stock, vetch
Danial -> Clove, stripped and red carnations,
Jia Hui -> Daffodils, fern, purple hyacinth, zinnia, plum, redbud, raspberry, vetch
Zhohirah -> Orange blossom, daffodils, water lily, yarrow, phlox
Syaibah -> Coreopsis, chestnuts, purple hyacinth
Huda -> Thistle, daffodils, yarrow

----
10:42
Why is it after 4 forkin years I still have a bit of me that still likes Elias. I was hoping if Jia Hui goes out with him I'll stop.
Don't get me wrong, I still like others. He's just in the back of my mind. Reminding me that I used to like him. All my previous crushes are dumb but I always loved him. i shouldn't say love because that's a big word
and honestly, sometimes i feel like i like danial but it's
a tiny bit.
and recently harith has been trying to get closer to me but i don't like it. why did huda and zhohirah asked me to do that dumb dare. i don't like it i don't like it
it's weird how i want to know what it's like to have somebody crushing on me but the minute there's a chance someone might have one i start to panic.
no no no no
like jr, he was nice but he got too close. too close. way too close. he's nice now, but he may be going out with sophia and that's really good. proud of him.
If danial does like me back, ( i think not ) I would probably push him away anyway
----
my body is heavy but not as heavy as the weight on my shoulders or bags on my eyes, especially when i think of you.
it's such a bother to carry my body all the way to school, it's so tiring.
when i see others, it feels empty
words coming out of my mouth feel harsh and sharp
my throat feels sore
i regret it
----
I hate it when I see a friend who hates themselves
no, do't hate yourself
you're beautiful, you're smart.
never harm yourself, you're a darling.